I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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