I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
