i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
