...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
