You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
it was like eating out sand paper
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
