I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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