i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
