I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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