alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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