i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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