He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize