Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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