when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize