He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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