you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
