tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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