I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do herpes really smell.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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