we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
