everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Floor bacon is actually really good
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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