A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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