smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
