Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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