best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize