is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
