dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
