man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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