I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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