That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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