i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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