did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
