Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
