Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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