apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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