I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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