I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
