I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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