Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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