He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize