I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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