Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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