Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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