I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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