Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
