I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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