Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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