walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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