If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
