Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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