I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
