Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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