If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
