apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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