it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
