I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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