I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize