Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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