Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
