i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
