So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
