i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
