happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
