Michael Bay diarrhea
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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