the condom got lost in my hair
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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