i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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