so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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