made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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