Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize