That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
