just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize