I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
3 2 1 whiskey
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
